Behind the Pages: The Personal Journey of Writing 'Go Away Ick'
Jun 23, 2024
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Behind the Pages: The Personal Journey of Writing 'Go Away Ick' I had only been in bed for a few moments when I shot straight up and grabbed my phone. Words were flooding into my mind, so I hurriedly created a note of them in my phone, to not run the risk of forgetting by morning. That was the day Go Away Ick was born; June 1, 2022, only 3 days after Katie's high school graduation. Whew! I felt a sense of relief on that day, "we" had survived school!
Katie's mental health journey began in 3rd grade. To be honest, it probably began at birth, because out of all 4 of my children, she seemed the most emotionally sensitive. However, that alone doesn't create a mental health crisis. It's what happened in elementary school that started it all and the inspiration for Go Away Ick.
Katie came home from elementary school on an ordinary day and when asked "how was school today", she replied "I am glad my teacher changed our desks today". As I paused to reflect on her comment before asking why, I imagined that meant she was happy to now be sitting by a new friend. Instead, what she said next shocked me. "I don't have to sit by Liam anymore!" "Who was Liam?" I asked myself. Throughout the afternoon, I continued to gently prompt Katie about who Liam was and why it mattered to her so much to not have to sit by him anymore. She proceeded to describe that he was a boy who had been in her class ever since kindergarten, who found every opportunity to verbally harass and humiliate her in front of the other students.
That day, she shared with me several incidents involving the two of them and I was mortified to not have known about him sooner. Of course, she wasn't going to complain about him because that would only encourage retaliation leading to more humiliation. I quickly wrote an email to the teacher that night asking her not to place Katie by Liam the next time she rotated desks and gave her my reasons why.
The next day, Katie came home and when asked how school was, she replied "The guidance counselor pulled me and Liam out of class today!". "Oh, no", I thought. I didn't tell Katie about the email to her teacher because I didn't expect her to elevate the situation; my intention was just to avoid Katie having to sit near Liam in the future. Katie proceeded with details of the meeting about how the guidance counselor "made" Liam apologize and his parent was called. What happened next is what inspired Go Away Ick.
Liam's parent, who parked on the curb in front of my house every afternoon, which happened to be directly across from the school, never acknowledged the incident with me. However, word got back to me and Katie that Liam's parent totally dismissed his behavior and said something to the effects of Katie being a baby. You get the gist. Somehow it was Katie's fault for how Liam treated her. By the end of 3rd grade, Katie announced that she would not be going to 4th grade.
I grew up with a mom who had severe anxiety and depression, so I was equipped more than most in understanding triggers and behaviors. However, I had used all the tools in my toolbox and could still not convince Katie that she would be emotionally safe in school, so we sought the counseling of a child psychotherapist.
I truly believe that if the apology from Liam had been sincere and the reaction of his parent had been that of accountability and consequence for his actions, her "Ick" would not have grown into generalized anxiety and fear of going to school. The impact of that moment was so significant, it affected the rest of her time in K-12.
Meriam-Webster defines the meaning of ICK as —used to express disgust at something unpleasant or offensive. The word Ick in the book is used to describe the feelings that we have no words for. We just feel "icky" in certain places or situations and don't always know why or know how to describe the feelings. It is intentionally undefined because your "Ick" might be different than my "Ick", but they have similarities. It's an understandable term no matter what a person's age. The purple shadow in the book offers a visual to what cannot be seen in real life but is felt instead. What can be seen in real life are emotions and physical actions, without always understanding the triggers causing those reactions.
Go Away Ick is designed as a tool to help parents and providers (mental health professionals, educators, guidance counselors) encourage children to talk about their feelings. The message in the book illustrates that a person can feel better just by talking about their feelings with others, that they are not alone in these feelings and that others share those same feelings and fears.
The words sat on my phone for almost a year. The following February, our local NBC channel aired a story about a study from Nationwide Children's Hospital with statistics documenting the fastest growing demographics for suicide were pre-teens ages 5-12. That broadcast stopped me in my tracks, and I thought "I can no longer sit in silence". That is when illustrations for my words were created and a physical prototype for my book was designed on my home computer. The book was self-published and released in July 2024.
Below are links to Nationwide Children's Hospital research on youth suicide.
https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/newsroom/news-releases/2023/02/bridge_ruch_youthsuicide_pandemic
Image of Dawn with Katie, wearing her high school graduation cap and gown.
